Reasie's Ritin'

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Female Chauvinist Movie Review: Alien Covenant

Man-Candy: 1
Feminismishness: 1
Hurt the Pretty: 3


Man-Candy is mostly represented by Michael Fassbender, who has filled the man-candy role nicely for me in many films.  He hurts very prettily and in the opening scene, wherein he serves tea, I very much wanted to call up Whalen Industries and order myself a David.

Pretty boy and a perfect pour? Sounds like heaven.

However, the dear boy can't seem to divest himself of clothing.  He even wears hoods a lot, so yeah... while we get him in two roles we don't get nearly enough Fassbender ON CAMERA.

There are two alien-attacks-while-bathing scenes, because Ridley Scott has such a THING for water... and only one of three bathers is male.  Jussie Smollett is very pretty, but this naked woman gets in the way for most of the scene.

Feminismishness - for a movie with a Competent Female Lead, it sure felt patriarchal. She's the wife of the ship's captain. He dies. Second in command? Another white dude.  She's supposedly now third in command, but goes with new-captain and they leave Another White dude in charge on the ship, which made me wonder just how far down the ranks white dudes are in the chain of command?

It's a colony ship and the premise clearly is that all the crew are married couples so that baby-birthin' and lifelong lovin' can happen... so I guess yay that means more women? BUT there's no reason for that. The colony ship could be carrying 10,000 embryos or frozen sperm and a crew and payload of only women if birthin' babies were top priority. And even if it weren't, well, they could afford to have a couple gays on board, right?

There was like a four-second gay-baiting scene where I swore these two guys were going to kiss and I was super happy because DIVERSE LOVE... buuuut he might also have been giving him last rights? And he was dead? So... eeeyeaah

Pro tip, movie directors: You know what's better than two guys almost kissing? TWO GUYS KISSING.

There is a scene where Michael Fassbender kisses himself... I saw it coming and squeed because it was like fanfic came to life - but it's soooo flat and clean and Michael Fassbender #2 doesn't react at all which is weird but I mean... it could Go Places. There's a mutual flute-playing scene earlier that had heavier homoeroticism. Mmm homoeroticism... I digress.

Yes, there are ladies doing things and that is good, so they get one point for effort.

Hurt the Pretty: Michael Fassbender cries and laments and loves and beats himself and loses a hand... lots of suffering to eat up there. Though they could have had more. The aliens could have been slower in killing people. In this movie, it was like the aliens were all about quickly dispatching their victims, which loses a lot of the horror in favor of gore. So much more suffering we could have had!


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